tradition is big this time of year.

So we have this tradition the day of Thanksgiving, after the dinner, after the walk, after the naps - we have a late dinner snack type meal and listen to the Charlie Brown Christmas album. It's nothing big, outstanding like some families I know that start the Christmas decorations while the tryptophan is still coursing through their veins. It's just one CD of Christmas music, and it starts the feeling of the whole season perfectly. Other seasonal traditions include watching A Christmas Story (because it so perfectly defines my family), wishing it was snowing (because I miss the snow and Wisconsin and my youth), and watching It's A Wonderful Life on Christmas Eve. We also eat a ridiculous amount of hot chocolate, pumpkin pie, and a concoction my father likes to call "Turkey Dip" - it's just cold turkey and ketchup, and it is delicious.
A note on the season, the tradition, the whole she-bang. I'm not religious. I don't celebrate Christmas the way my parents do. I celebrate the season, yes, but not the meaning of the holiday. Christmas for me is making other people happy, spending time with my family, and just embracing the feeling that people are trying harder to be nice for a change. And this CD, the whole "It's Christmas, Charlie Brown!", I don't know, just kind of gives that feeling. We've done it as long as I can remember, and it is how I define the beginning of Christmas, and really, of winter.
Not sure why I felt like sharing that, but I did. Welcome to the tradition of my family.

giving, thanking

things I am thankful for.

- being out of the hospital, with my family.
- friends who will brave hospital staff and yellow infectious disease gowns to visit you.
- peanut butter milkshakes.
- nice nurses.
- victorious packers.
- AIESEC.
- that things could be a lot worse (but they could be a lot better too.)
- computers. for various reasons.
- delicious leftovers that will last me the rest of the weekend.
- a day that is a reminder to give thanks for everyday.

oh yes.

i am still in the hospital. 

and now i have pneumonia.

the gods of the world plot against me again.

my achy-breaky heart.

tonight I wrote a love letter.

it was addressed, dear sir.

and it will probably never go to the person it was written to. but it did feel good to write it. for the first time in a long time, admit how i really feel.



i just wish i had the courage to say it out loud.

this is starting to sound familiar...

it's 4:00 am. I have been up for about an hour crying in pain, unable to sleep, barely able to move. it's at this point I give up, call my friend Katie, and head into the ER.

by 7:00 am, I have had a huge dose of morphine, my blood pressure drops to 70/40 (which is dangerously low, even compared to my already fairly low blood pressure), and after passing out in the bathroom, i am laying in a CAT scan trying to stay awake long enough to hold my breath for an accurate reading.

by 11:00 am, after I had finally woken up from an almost comatose sleep, I'm told that I have a kidney stone that is large enough to completely block the exit of my right kidney, and infected enough to disable my kidney if left untreated.

so that's it. that is the answer to my feeling shitty. a huge kidney stone, about 1 centimeter in diameter (huge when you think that is about a third of an inch, and the exit path for the kidney is only about 2 centimeters) so infected that it is killing my kidney. the end.

well, not really.

i stay in the hospital for about 36 hours, they are unable to break up my stone because the machine (that is shared between several hospitals in atlanta) is scheduled for another hospital that day. so I go back in to the hospital in a week to get it broken up and removed, which will include anesthesia, and I can only assume, pain.

talk about putting a cramp in my style.

one year later...

so i got the wonderful chance to seriously enjoy some sushi with one of my favorite people ever tonight. i had not seen Sara for almost six months, and in high school we saw each other for hours every day, knew so much about each other, and promised that we would utilize our limited distance between us to take advantage of continuing some aspect of that.
well, due to complications, communication gaps, and my serious states-absence this summer, its been six months. and its not like you would have expected, it was in no way awkward for me (like it usually is) I was simple excited to see her, to be with her, and to have her a part of my life again. But it has been so long.
When we talked about everything that has happened to us since then, everything that has impacted the world we lived in in high school - it was strange. and it got us to thinking - what changes will there be in a year? in two? who will we be in five years?

certainly not who I was in high school. oh god, i hope not. i don't even feel like a shadow of that kid that knew nothing of the world or herself, but maybe that is why i am doing all that i am doing. to get away from that. it's hard to know what to keep and what to toss, kind of like everything in my life right now.


anyways, dear nomads, this is post number 100. hope you like it so far.

Secret-Agent Maddie?

So, on somewhat of a planned whim (if that is possible), I applied to the CIA for an internship program they offer.
And, as I was told last night, they are interested in furthering my application to the next step of the security clearance process.
Which slightly boggles my mind.

it gets you thinking.

AIESEC, the love of my life and at times the bane of my existence.

and then I read this, and remembered why I do it. it's more than dances and frustrations and fighting for the rights. I am not one person working for the good that this organization, and thank god for that. This is more than me, more than us, more than national staff. AIESEC is an opportunity, and I think sometimes people forget that.