two weeks past.

it's been two weeks since I left India. and I cannot even begin to explain how much I miss it.

the land between the solar systems

i am lost.

not literally, of course. i can tell between left and right, know the street signs, and can decipher north from south. neither does it mean that i am hopeless or someone to forget.

i am just...lost.

maybe in thought. i have been thinking a lot, it could be debated too much, in the past few days. about the future, about me, about what i want.

i just feel that i start off in one direction, end up backtracking in the other, and then jump into another path before the ink's dry on the first. i'm so flighty and agitated. indescribably so. why? why can't i find a direction for my life, or even my train off thought, for more than ten minutes?

somebody said to me once that i was turning into someone else - it was almost scary. and it kind of killed my night - i am so frustrated with myself for changing in such a way. it has been a fear i voiced before. would all the changes i faced this summer be ones that would be accepted when i got home? apparently not.

i feel apathetic and ADD. and i hate it.

ramblin'.

so i am sitting in my (smaller-than-expected) dorm room for the first time this year. i am without roommate (yay), with my own bathroom (yayyay!), and at a sort of loss what to do in the next few days. i know there are things i need to do (go to class, go to @ meetings, buy books, catch up with friends) but i'm not sure how to time it. i was such a rush to move in, so much so that i moved down with a box of clothes, dishes, and my bedding, and i wanted to be back at school so badly, but now that i am here....now what?

i found that question popping up a lot in my head the past few days.
you finished your first year, now what?
you worked in india, now what?
you have great plans for @GT, now what?
you're here, now what?

homesweethome.

i got home this afternoon - and it was a mixture of happy and sad. and it is something to get used to, that's for sure.

namaste, hindustan.

tum to thehre pardesi
saath kya nibahogay
subha pehli gaadi say
ghar ko lot jaogay

foreigner, you don't belong here.
you cannot know love -
the train leaves tomorrow,
and you must go.

~~~

ten weeks ago, i stepped out into the blaring heat of New Delhi, not knowing what to expect, not knowing what to do.
tomorrow - i leave here and travel back home, not knowing what to expect, not knowing what to do.

i only know that India, AIESEC, and this summer has changed my life.

thanks.

tut tut, looks like rain

i just rode a bike through an Indian monsoon.
and am consequently dripping all over the floor of my office.
my coworkers are calling me crazy.

but it was the highlight of my day so far. for some weird reason, i am extraordinarily happy from one wet bike ride.

hokay-so.

it's been about a week since the last posting, and here is what's been going down.

1 - drinking. too much of it.
2 - several trips to blue ice. which influenced number 1.
3 - bought a gorgeous sari. just waiting on the tailor to finish it.
4 - traveled with my boss around rural Punjab. met over 35 family members. was stuffed full of food. even when i said no more - they kept feeding me.
5 - started Youth Week. volunteering in Khajeri Village, a small slum within a colony. it is one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.
6 - every student (all 300 of them) at Khajeri Government High School now knows my name. and yell for me every time they see me.
7 - starred (with my roommate/co-worker Femke from the Netherlands) in a Punjabi music video. we were the random white girls dancing in the video - the ones we always make fun of. so, club dancing. in front of (and encouraged) by my boss. awkward turtle times 10. we'll see when the video comes out.
8 - not enough sleeping. so tired.
9 - trying to get everything together so i can go home in one piece. easier said than done.
10 - simultaneously excited and sad to be heading home. in only five days.
11 - smoked shisha with awesome kids from around the world at mocha.
12 - ready for a day off.
13 - not ready to leave.
14 - trying to find presents for everyone. with hardly any money left.
15 - tik-he tik-he, five minutes. no problem.

so five days - and i will be heading stateside. america - you better be ready.

byebye baby, baby good-bye

this week has been one of goodbyes - and to two people in particular. two incredible people. i love you both.

the first - Mr. AIESEC. good luck in Turkey, and watch out for these two. miss you already kid.

the second - the sad break up of Team America. i love you girly, and see you stateside.
i think this is just the beginning of a lot of goodbyes. it's just twelve days left.