i figure wherever i am, that's where the world is.

www.maddiejane.wordpress.com

2009-09-08T00:26:00.001-04:00

i've moved! check out the new space!!

2009-08-28T16:52:00.003-04:00

In the process of retiring my dear nomadlife after two years to move on to something bigger and better, blogwise. watch out for links to a new blog, a summer's worth of updates, and news on the future.

this time tomorrow.

2009-05-18T12:45:00.006-04:00

I am at such a loss for words on how to describe leaving. And then this song popped up on my iPod on my last bus ride home from AUC.

This time tomorrow where will we be
On a spaceship somewhere sailing across an empty sea
This time tomorrow what will we know
Well we still be here watching an in-flight movie show

I'll leave the sun behind me and watch the clouds as they sadly pass me by
Seven miles below ma I can see the world and it ain't so big at all
This time tomorrow what will we see
Field full of houses, endless rows of crowded streets

I don't where I'm going, I don't want to see
I feel the world below me looking up at me
Leave the sun behind me, and watch the clouds as they sadly pass me by
And I'm in perpetual motion and the world below doesn't matter much to me

This time tomorrow where will we be
On a spaceship somewhere sailing across any empty sea
This time tomorrow, this time tomorrow
- The Kinks.

This time tomorrow, I will be on the other side of the world. And ready, I think, for the next big step that it will bring. But tonight, it's time to say goodbye.

there will be a Cairo shaped hole in my Heart.

2009-05-17T07:05:00.000-04:00

"When arriving in a city, we see streets in perspective. Sequences of buildings with no meaning. Everything is unknown, virgin.

Later we'll have lived in this city. We'll have walked in its streets. We'll have been to the end of the perspectives. We'll have seen all the buildings. We'll have lived stories with people. When we'll have lived in this city, we'll have taken this street five, ten, hundreds of times.

After a moment, everything belongs to you because you've lived there."

-L'auberge espagnole

MIS 2009

2009-05-12T03:54:00.006-04:00

AIESEC in Egypt and the people that I have met through it constantly reminds me of the power of AIESEC. This conference has made me think a great deal about who I am in AIESEC, what I am able to do through this organization, and how to continue developing within the organization. AIESEC is not perfect, and neither am I - but we fit together in a way that has inherently changed who I am. I want to thank AIESEC in Egypt for making this past year what it was for me, and the people in this organization for being members of my Egyptian family.
بحبكم قوي

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T13:36:00.002-04:00

Thanks for putting up with my shenanigans all these years. I love you!

perfect moment number 359

2009-05-06T09:47:00.002-04:00

Walking back from Nathaniel's house boat, while I walked the bridge over the Nile that was reflecting all the lights of the Corniche and the green glow of the mosques, I looked up and saw fireworks exploding between the buildings. The explosions were muffled, I think through all the layers of smog and remnants of the sandstorm, so it was just explosions of light.

And that is what Cairo is. Little reminders of beauty and love, especially when you are least expecting it.

hamthrax.

2009-05-05T08:46:00.003-04:00

Fact: There have been no confirmed cases of H1N1 in Egypt.
Fun Fact: That doesn't stop the government making poor decisions and adding to the international crisis of crazy.

The mandatory slaughter of Egypt's around 300,000 pigs was more than a step against the infection of the Egyptian community by this (common, highly treatable, blown out of proportion, other suitable adjectives inserted here) virus, and is a political move to reinforce the social, economic, and political marginalization of already poor communities within Egyptian society.

Egypt is a mostly Muslim nation, about 90% of the population, the remaining 10% are members of either Eastern Orthodox Christian Churches, Catholic, or Coptic. Now while the Eastern Orthodox and Catholic Egyptians are, on the whole, fairly wealthy, Coptic Christians are split between the upper-echelons of Egyptian society and the absolute lowest, one of which is the zabaleen, the Garbage-Collectors of Cairo who live in a small section of the city called Menshiyat Nasr, or Garbage City. This community is by far the poorest and most disenfranchised in the entire capital, and it is often cited as a result of the members of the community being Coptic and raising and eating pigs, an act prohibited by Islam. The pigs serve as both assistants in the disposal of the organic waste that they collect, and a food source, and by killing the pigs they are only furthering the divide between Muslim and non-Muslim society, keeping the poor poor, and adding to the panic that people are facing on an international level. This targeting of this community creates a further mistrust in the State, which after all these years of being confined to a smaller and smaller physical space while participating in demeaning physical labor, is both expected and counter-productive. This community needs schools and opportunities to participate in the direction of their own development, not pig slaughters and police violence.

On another note, the Association for the Protection of the Environment, an NGO that I have briefly worked with during my time here, works within Menshiyat Nasr, providing a health center, a daycare, a primary school, and a craft center that uses recycled cloth and paper to make everything from embroidered tapestries to wedding invitations and handbags. And, randomly, these handbags are now selling at Marc Jacobs' flagship store in New York City. Though, in my opinion, they picked the ugliest ones possible.

east of the middle.

2009-04-28T08:59:00.007-04:00

the Way - الطريق
Asking, Learning, Understanding - االطّلب , التعلّم , الفهم

~~~~~

the Travelers - الرحالون

Maddie - مادّي

Laya - لاية

Jessica - جيسيكا

~~~~~

Beirut, oh Beirut - بيروت يا بيروت "Beirut" - Nadia Tueini

Beirut of the hundred palaces and Beyte of the stones
Where people come from everywhere to build up statues
Which make men kneel down in prayer and make wars roar.

In Beirut in every house dwells a different idea
In Beirut every word is a parade
In Beirut men lay down thoughts and caravans

Whether she is a nun or a sorcerer
or both together...

Adored or cursed
Blood thirsty or blessed with holy water
Phoenician, Arab, or anybody
A Levantine with multiple vertigos
Like those strange flowers fragile on their stalks
Beirut is in the Orient the last sanctuary
Where man is clad in the color of light.

~~~~~

the Road to Damascus - الشارع إلى دمشق There are no words to describe my love for this city.

~~~~~

the "holy land" - الأرض المقدسة

The entire time I traveled throughout Israel and Palestine, I always felt drawn to the question, "Is this all we are really fighting for?" I have yet to find an answer for that question.

yes and no.

2009-04-24T08:25:00.004-04:00

Almost all of my conversations in the past week have included some version of the following: "Hey, you're leaving Cairo soon - are you excited? How does that feel?"
And every time I open my mouth to answer, I find myself saying different versions of the same thing. Mostly, "Yes and no."

Yes - I am unbelievably excited to have my family and my friends in Atlanta in my life again. To drive a car and eat Mexican food and resume my life that I abandoned a year ago. I am ecstatic about leaving AUC and heading back to Georgia Tech. For American football and the smell of bacon. To rejoin my stateside AIESEC family and start making a change in Atlanta. For Target and Urban Outfitters and good beer and having voicemail on my phone. To start rebuilding a life in the States.

No - I have had migraine-inducing anxiety attacks over not knowing what will happen when I go home. And leaving my Egyptian family and friends. I've started randomly tearing up in the backs of taxis and get nostalgiac over the smell of ta'ameyya for the life that I have made here. AUC is a drag, but the people that I have met there are definitely not, and the AIESECers here have built me something I feel like I will be removign bones knowing I won't see them whenever I want. I am terrified of reverse culture shock and all that comes with it - I know it will be worse this time. I am a very different person, and the US is a very different place than when I last saw it.

It's daunting, and I think that the next few weeks will only make it more difficult. But it's all part of the challenge that I signed up for.

a jaunt ends.

2009-04-20T02:44:00.002-04:00

LevantaPalooza rolls closed, and I am really excited to go home. It's been an adventure, and I have interesting stories to tell. Some bad, some good, but in the end, the Dream lives on.

And less than a month left in Cairo until I head stateside. Which is growing more terrifying than I thought, and I am both dreading leaving and excited to leave. It's an odd simultaneous tearing that is located somewhere around my stomach. I can't tell which urge is stronger today.

Levant-a-Palooza 2009

2009-04-08T07:28:00.002-04:00

Cairo - Beirut - Damascus - Amman - Jerusalem - Ramallah - Bethlehem - Amman - Cairo.
yellah, ya habibi.

القاهرة - بيروت - دمشق - عمان - القدس - رام الله - بيت لحم - عمان - القاهرة
يا الله, يا حبيبي

إن شاء الله - - Insha'Allah.

it's this feeling, it smells like revolution.

2009-04-02T12:35:00.002-04:00

It's there. I can feel it - pulling right behind my stomach, an ache between my eyes, a general sense of boredom and knowing that this has all been done before.

I need a change.

And I guess the timing is about right - I know a major change is coming, and soon, and I have just been in one place for too long. And it's not Egypt, I think, but AUC and everything that comes along with it. Because sometimes I will look out my window and see this amazing view and listen to the call to prayer coming from the green-lit mosques and I know, right then and there, that this is a moment, and I am in it and experiencing it and loving it, but it is fleeting and impermanent and one day, I will look out a window and I will see something else entirely. And that idea is already making me a little sad. But on campus, I feel like the apathy is creeping into me, the laziness and the lowered standards - I need to get out before it all latches on. I don't feel like it is challenging me to grow - and if you aren't growing, you're dying.
And I am anxious because I don't know what is coming. And I can't really do anything about it from here. That this minute I have to throw my hands up, smile, and say insha'Allah. Although I wouldn't say no to suggestions on what to do. Books to read, music to listen to, revolutions to start. It's time for something new.

اسرتي في مصر

2009-03-31T06:03:00.003-04:00

Dialogue.

2009-03-20T04:32:00.008-04:00

Last week, AIESEC Egypt hosted the third Middle East North Africa Exchange and Leadership Development Seminar, and kicked the whole thing off with a Global Village, an event that allows delegates to share aspects of their culture through food, music, pictures, or anything like that. Now, I wasn't able to attend the conference because of school, but I was able to go to Global Village and see the twenty countries represented taking over the Corniche in Gezira. It is strange to think that it was two years ago that I was in Morocco, participating in the same thing. So much has changed since then, but its incredible to see familiar faces so much later.
(Gail from UAE and David Ziser from Kansas/Oman and me and the beautiful Denise from GT). A note on my t-shirt: My 19th birthday present from Katie Mitchell, a Ramblin' Wreck shirt that has the song on the back - this shirt has been worn to every conference and global village I have ever attended as a member of @GT. I am in love with it.)

As there was only one delegate representing the US, which was a little disappointing, but given the financial constraints of the conference and travel to Egypt is a little understandable, we helped deck out the table. Oreos, chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter and jelly, Pepsi (although I was upset that our friend from @Madison bought Pepsi and not Coke...my Atlanta roots were pained by that), a Braves hat, and as much Obama stuff as I had in my apartment. Which was cool when people asked for pictures with us, the table, the flag, and Obama's picture.

Which brings me to the role of the Global Village - to learn about other cultures, build relationships, and use that knowledge to create conversations that may one day change the world. Which is just what Obama is doing. His message to Iran exemplifies just that, the willingness to learn about a culture, reach out to them, and begin a dialogue that will initiate change. It's a small step towards a bigger leap, and the man keeps making me proud.

This is exactly what we need around the world - the creation of dialogue. The inclusion of two parties contributing equally to a conversation about the world. And that doesn't just mean speaking, it means listening, too.

For example, the conflict in Israel and Palestine is many things. Complicated, important, heartbreaking, horrifying. But more than anything, I think it is something that changes in definition depending on who you ask. Before coming to Egypt, I was unsure of everything - I had read about it, and knew basics of the conflict, but my understanding of it has completely changed now. Not because I have chosen sides, but because I have had the opportunity to listen to both of them, learn from both of them. And it is increasingly frustrating to find people who refuse to initiate dialogue from a standpoint of being fair and balanced, from both sides.

If you want a different perspective of the conflict than what is usually reported in the US, check out this discussion started by an Israeli university on the role of their military in the conflict. For the full description, take a look at Haaretz, a left-leaning news center in Jerusalem. It is a step towards recognizing the need for developing an honest dialogue on both sides.

Three Cups of Tea.

2009-03-18T10:04:00.006-04:00

Reading books like this and learning about organizations like this act as both a positive and a negative.

The positive: Learning that what I am doing with my life has been done, can be done, and can seriously change the path of a community. That understanding culture, language, and people is as important to building bridges as stones and mortar. That someone else shares my fascination and dedication for the parts of the world people have written off. That Pakistan and Afghanistan are as beautiful and incredible as I imagine.

The negative: I'm reading about it, not doing it.

If you want to understand an important aspect to responsible ethnographic participative action research and development implementation, working with Islamic communities, and what I am attempting to do with my career - this book articulates a lot of what I believe. Everyone should understand the incredible potential of one person, one idea, and some tea.

reminders of @Love.

2009-03-03T09:10:00.004-04:00

On Sunday, I hosted a dinner of a bunch of AIESECers who happen to be in Cairo - some Madisonians, @CU-ers, and interns - a tradition that I have adopted from our old LC dinners and am trying to implement here. I cooked an obscene amount of food, which of course was not even close to enough, and brought out the little Arab mother in me, making sure people were eating enough, had everything they needed, and were doing nothing but enjoying themselves while I ran around getting food, tea, and whatnot together for them. It was a great evening, getting to see people I hadn't for awhile, and introduce new ones into the crowd that has become a mini-@Egypt family. And the lovely Denise, an @er from GT working here in Cairo, brought me one of the best gifts I have gotten in a very long time. Some love from home - in the form of a t-shirt and a card, which just about put me to tears.

I can't even recall how many times I have gone on and on about AIESEC GT Love. But they are my family, my friends, my coworkers, and my inspiration. They remind me of how to live the Dream, and that while they make me proud, I constantly want to make them proud, too. I can't explain how much I miss all of them or how truly special and unique what we have at @GT is. I'm a gushing mess of love for those kids.

I'm shwya in Love with this.

2009-02-24T10:02:00.001-04:00

Reaffirmation.

2009-02-23T04:16:00.002-04:00

First of all, I am fine. Cairo will be fine. The world at large will be fine. It's just at the moment it feels like it's moving in some form of alternative gravity. Like it should be spinning another way. But I promise that I am fine.

I want to understand why something like this happens. Actually, I don't think anyone really could understand it, or want to understand the reasoning behind it. I have stood in that spot, exactly. Walked through it dozens of times. Met friends there, laughed there. I could find it in my sleep. And yesterday, there was an explosion there.

Cairo has never left me feeling unsafe or insecure. I have never equated it with terrorism, and I have worked very hard to make sure others understand my conviction. I want people to understand how beautiful it is here, how breathtaking it is. I want people to understand why I love it. And I do. It is not that Egypt is a perfect place. There are many things, in fact, that are wrong with it. Philip's arrest kind of threw that back into focus, and yesterday's events made it even more clear that this country, the region, the mentality that exists about both of them, need work, but more than that - that they are worth working for.

This only reaffirms the choices I have made. There is work to be done and challenges to be faced. And if not me, who? If not now, when? There has been time enough spent worrying, accusing, and vilifying. There needs to be a step towards understanding, although in reality it is more like several leaps, but its not fifteen kilometers of unpassable desert. It is not the expanse of the Atlantic or the Gulf or the gaps in language and culture. It is only the distance between people.

a little late for Valentine's Day.

2009-02-17T05:29:00.004-04:00

"If there is no love in the world, we will make a new world, and we will give it walls, and we will furnish it with soft, red interiors, from the inside out, and give it a knocker that resonates like a diamond falling to a jeweller's felt so that we should never hear it. Love me, because love doesn't exist, and I have tried everything that does."

- Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything is Illuminated

Skills I had in the job search.

2009-02-13T08:20:00.006-04:00

toothpastefordinner.com

Filling out applications, writing cover letters, stressing about the direction of my professional future? not exciting.
Toothpaste for Dinner? always exciting.

A Proud American Abroad.

2009-01-20T11:54:00.002-04:00

This is the man.

I am so proud, again. I can't even begin to describe. Watching it, surrounded by other Americans in my apartment, it was a surreal, enlightening, exciting, incredible, indescribable moment. Even amidst Wolf Blitzer's insistent buzz of analysis and commenting on triviality of things like Aretha Franklin's odd hat (who cares? It's the Aretha Franklin) - the amazingness of this moment shone through. And being here is a unique experience - I would be proud anywhere in the world, but being in the midst of the Gaza crisis, the Arab world, the disapproval of all things Bush - it's going to be a different view today. More than anything, I think that this election and all the subsequent hope it's bringing is going to also bring a change of paradigm, not only for the American perspective on how we view ourselves as well as how we see the world, but changing on how the rest of the world sees us. And right now, it has turned into a pretty good view.

In all the pre-inauguration excitement, I have been watching everything I can to feel like I am as much a part of the inaugration as possible. I found this awesome thing from the BBC called "Notes to Obama" - advice from some pretty incredible people to the new President, and the one from Maya Angelou is my favorite. (It's funny to think that her poem for Clinton's inauguration is almost more applicable now.)

I can't stop thinking about this. How excited I am. How inspired I am. How incredibly proud I am.

the Adventure Hat.

2009-01-07T16:02:00.004-04:00

The Adventure Hat: (n) a hat like object worn in adventurous situations or to create an atmosphere of adventure when situations are already ridiculous. For example: Siwa Oasis, Egypt. Where, during a New Year's Eve party, you are forced into participating in a bellydancing show.
And take obligatory tourist pictures.
And make friends with the locals, who take you on tours of their town by Donkey Cart, introduce you to their families, impart local sensibilities, and tell you that you, and your hair, cause problems. This one's name is Gom3a.
And go sandboarding in the Great Sand Sea in the Sahara with some Bedouin men that sing you Arabic love songs.
And have breathtaking incredible moments. Like watching the sunset over the dunes and remembering how incredibly small you are. What a way to ring in the new year.

Congratulations Audie and Josh!

2009-01-05T04:02:00.006-04:00

Happy New Year's!

2009-01-03T10:50:00.000-04:00

the endings of oh-eight, in pictures.

2008-12-30T07:12:00.007-04:00

A room with a view.

A new year, a new start. The view from my apartment. Yes, that is the Nile and most of Zamalek. Jealous? You should come and see it for yourself. More apartment pictures to come...

A new MCP.
Tiffany Curtiss, one of my heroes not only in AIESEC but in my whole life. One day, this woman cornered me after an AIESEC meeting to come to dinner. Her (gentle) pushing is the reason I have come so far in this organization, the reason why I have such high goals that I am working to attain, and why I have been inspired to see every side of this world, know it, and make it a better place. If you don't know her yet, you should get to know her. You will know her someday either way because when they say change agent, this is what they mean. This picture is from the very very beginning, and always makes me smile to think of all that has happened since then. Congratulations Tiffany, I am so excited to come back to AIESEC in the US in June and work with you!

A friend heading back stateside.
Roommate number two to head back to the USofA. This girl has infiltrated my vocabulary, made these past few months bearable, renewed my love for hopping around like a crazy, and is totally ball-hair. I'm going to miss bovering her and commenting on various repressions that we experienced in this country, and so much more.

A Jenny-Benny.
Hey guess what? I miss you. Yeah, that's right. Like tons.

A city that I love.
Cairo, Al-Qaharra, Masr. I love this city. Yes, you can see the pyramids in this picture, if you look really hard. I'm celebrating the entry of 2009 in Siwa with Christina, and in just over a week I will be flying to London and Paris. But Cairo is becoming home.

Happy New Year. 2009 I'm feeling will be a fantastic year, insha'Allah.

Merry Christmas.

2008-12-25T04:59:00.005-04:00

It's no Christmas in the states, that's for sure. But Christmas is still a time to celebrate. To love. To be happy. And on this side of the world, that is exactly what we are doing. Tonight we're planning on a big dinner with all of our Egyptian family, we'll be having pancakes for breakfast.

Santa even came.

So Merry Christmas. I miss you all, and I love you. I hope you are happy, warm, and surrounded by people you love. I just wish I could be there with you.

told you so.

2008-12-21T09:53:00.001-04:00

Just in case you didn't believe me, this is the I told you so part.

Khalas, AUC.

2008-12-20T11:16:00.006-04:00

My semester just officially ended with my last exam. I am so incredibly relieved that it is over. And although everyone is talking about their plans for going home, I've got my own plan for the coming two month break. Not that I don't want to go home - it just didn't work out that way.

So - my plan:

Reading. I just borrowed 10 books from the library. yes, 10. There will be a lot of reading going on. And writing, insha'Allah.
Sleeping. So much sleeping will occur you won't even believe it.
Finding a new apartment with fast internet and a comfy bed for said sleeping.
Traveling. Paris and London for sure, and hopefully somewhere else, too. Maybe Israel/Palestine or Lebanon or Jordan or Syria or Siwa or something.
Showing my Mom what living in Cairo is like.
Fixing things that have been broken.
Getting more involved with AIESEC again.
Working on my Arabic.
Seeing touristy things that I still haven't seen since moving here in June.
Celebrate Christmas and New Year's Cairene style. With a touch of Americana.
Get ready to restart AUC in February.

And on another note - I was looking at my dashboard and basically the only thing on it are sticky-notes, the weather, and countdowns.
The weather is just a constant reminder that I live in the desert, but it's not too different from Atlanta weather honestly. It's about 60 degrees here pretty consistently, but it will keep dropping more.
The sticky-notes are mostly reminders - things I need to do, music I'm interested in, magazines and editorials that I want to look at getting subscriptions to in the states, and things like that.
But it's the countdowns that got me really. Here they are:

20 days until London and Paris
1 month until Mommy comes to Cairo
3 months until Audie comes to Cairo

All exciting upcoming events in my life. But why I mention them at all are the next two:

5 months and 11 days until home
6 months and 19 days since you've lived in the sandbox.

I have lived in Cairo for more than 6 months. And I am well past my halfway point. And there are less than 6 left. There are times when I walk down the street and can't remember what it's like to see stoplights. Or street signs in English. I don't know what it is going to be like not to listen to the call to prayer or smell limes and ta'amayia and shisha smoke when I walk home. Or when I was reading a website in Arabic and I didn't even notice it. Life in Cairo has become so natural that I don't even think about it, and that is both weird and kind of amazing too. It's just hard to make sense of it all sometimes.

The Island of Egypt.

2008-12-20T05:09:00.003-04:00

I have to apologize for my lack of posting, communication, or understanding of global events for the past two days. The internet has not been working. And by not working, I mean nowhere. In the entire country. I'm not exaggerating for comic benefit - there was literally no internets in the whole of the country.

Imagine. A whole country. Removed from contact with the rest of the world. For two whole days.

Mabrouk, Masr. You are some kind of genius.

"Essentials of Spontaneous Prose"

2008-12-15T10:09:00.003-04:00

1. Scribbled secret notebooks, and wild typewritten pages, for your own joy
2. Submissive to everything, open, listening
3. Try never get drunk outside your own house
4. Be in love with your life
5. Something that you feel will find its own form
6. Be crazy dumbsaint of the mind
7. Blow as deep as you want to blow
8. Write what you want bottomless from bottom of the mind
9. The unspeakable visions of the individual
10. No time for poetry but exactly what is
11. Visionary tics shivering in the chest
12. In tranced fixation dreaming upon object before you
13. Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition
14. Like Proust be an old teahead of time
15. Telling the true story of the world in interior monolog
16. The jewel center of interest is the eye within the eye
17. Write in recollection and amazement for yrself
18. Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea
19. Accept loss forever
20. Believe in the holy contour of life
21. Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in mind
22. Don't think of words when you stop but to see picture better
23. Keep track of every day the date emblazoned in yr morning
24. No fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience, language & knowledge
25. Write for the world to read and see yr exact pictures of it
26. Bookmovie is the movie in words, the visual American form
27. In praise of Character in the Bleak inhuman Loneliness
28. Composing wild, undisciplined, pure, coming in from under, crazier the better
29. You're a Genius all the time
30. Writer-Director of Earthly movies Sponsored & Angeled in Heaven

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars, and in the middle, you see the blue center-light pop, and everybody goes ahh..."

As ever,
Jack

live from Ma-Crazy Street.

2008-12-13T11:13:00.002-04:00

1. I got home from Turkey, and was kind of relieved to be home. I loved Istanbul though, and want to go back sometime soon.
2. I hate drama. The end.
3. Working on my paper. Attempting to work on my paper. Something to do with paper.
4. I'd rather be working on my portfolio, but I don't really want to do that either.
5. AUC round 2 is almost done. Round 3 is creeping closer and closer.
6. My mommy is coming to Egypt. I'm worried that she will be terrified.
7. Realized walking through Zamalek that I won't be Christmas shopping this year - no pushy people in the malls, no cinnamon scented stores, no peppermint mochas, no cheesy Christmas music - I won't get any of that. And it made me a little sad. And I hate Christmas shopping. But I still realized I'm going to miss it. All of it.
8. I have a lot of pictures to be uploading. But I am not allowing myself to until after exams finish. You should be proud of that self-control.
9. I have gots no business socks.
10. 27 days until I head to London and Paris.
11. Lists might be the easiest way to procrastinate. And express my inability to form coherent sentences at the moment.

Prophetic Grounds

2008-12-08T16:32:00.003-04:00

"Who broke your heart? Tell me this - I have to know."

He was spinning my cold coffee cup between his hands staring intently - alternating between me and my empty cup. He told me that he could see my heart - and it wasn't dirty but it was dark. Dark with burning secrets that I have carried for so long - on my winding path. One of the many paths that I had - some were short and easy and some were long and dıffıcult but all were true and clear. And there was a rabbit following a lıght. And two strong fıgures - a flame breathıng dragon and a horse - were facıng each other. It wasn't bad - but just two opposıng forces. Or people.
And on my saucer - after lettıng ıt drıp ınto the empty cup and whısperıng Turkısh over ıt - there was a crescent moon. He saıd that ıt was only for the Turkısh - but there ıt was. Sayıng that my wısh wıll come true - though ıt wıll be long and dıffıcult. Be patıent he saıd. But ıt wıll come.

"Tell me. Who ıs ıt that broke your heart?"

Istanbul not Constantınople

2008-12-07T04:12:00.003-04:00

Im ın love wıth Istanbul. There I saıd ıt. In love. Just lıke everyone saıd I would be.

Thıs cıty ıs nothıng lıke I expected. I dıdnt really know what to expect - but ıt was such a surprıse. A pleasant one at that. The only way I can thınk of explaınıng ıt ıs a mıxture of Parıs and Rabat and Valencıa - but I dont know ıf that does ıt any justıce. The cıty ıs so green and smells lıke pıne trees and roastıng chestnuts and the Medıterranean. It ıs so clean. I forgot how clean cıtıes can be - Istanbul ıs a fabulous remınder. And when the salaht sounds - ıt ıs so much more beautıful than ın Caıro - and ıt echoes from the top of the hıll startıng wıth the Blue Mosque and downward through the cıty. And ıt ıs so loud that ıt kınd of vıbrates ın your chest - lıke ıt was so beautıful ıt was grabbıng a hold of your heart.

Yesterday was our fırst day - Im travelıng wıth Sarah and Jenny - two roommates - Sophıa - a frıend - and sort of my other roommate - Chrıstına (she ıs travelıng for awhıle and wıll be splıttıng from us soon) and her frıend - Katıe. Our orıgınal plan was to overload wıth the basıcs - the Ayasofya and the Blue Mosque and all that - but decıded to start slow. So we went to the hamam - a Turkısh bath. It was an ıncredıble experıence - our hamam was over 500 years old and so beautıful. I got scrubbed lıke no other and a massage and a facıal - all of whıch were worth the kınd of prıcey ınvestment - my skın feels ıncredıble and ıt got me so ıncredıbly excıted to take on the cıty ın a sort of new skın. It also was one of those ın the moment experıences that you cant really shake - so absolutely amazıng.

For lunch - we had thıs delıcıous thıng called Kumpır - a baked potato that ıs whıpped ın the skın wıth butter and salt and some kınd of delıcıous cheese and then topped wıth a whole mess of delıcıousness - couscous and corn and peas and chılı sauce and pıckles and mystery meat and olıves and such. So ıncredıbly good. And of course some Turkısh delıghts - whıch are much better than I ever remember them beıng.

We then found out that all the bazaars were closıng for Eıd - whıch makes sense but was totally unexpected - so we rushed through the Grand Bazaar before ıt closed for the week and made some mad purchasıng. Well - some more than others. I kept ıt to a relatıve mınımum compared to the other gırls. But ıt was fun and an ıncredıble space and so excıtıng.

Then we - beıng exhausted - came back and had some dınner and decıded to go on a pub crawl ın Taksım - a more modern part of the cıty - wıth Chrıstınas hostel. It was fun - we went from a bar that played terrıble versıons of bad musıc wıth a lıve band to a rock bar that had a sınger ın a jean vest and long haır sıngıng the Fınal Countdown - among other tunes - to Turkısh headbangers to an ınsanely packed club where the balconıes bounced wıth the dancıng people. It was fun and kınd of absolutely ınsane - but all I payed was two lıre for the whole shebang - not a bad deal.

Well Im off to contınue my love affaır wıth thıs cıty.

Love from Istanbul.

A Long December

2008-12-02T11:26:00.002-04:00

And it's only the second day.

I have to admit, though, that I am so relieved that the semester is ending. It has been - I'm trying to think of an appropriate adjective here - arduous? difficult? soul-searching? - whatever its been, its almost over. I am ready for the new semester specifically because it is new - a lot of new things. A new apartment, a new set of classes, new people, new chances, new experiences. On the other side of December bright and shiny and new.
But that means I have to get through December first. And that means a lot of other things. I have to finish a paper by the end of the term, and give a presentation about another paper I have already turned in. I have two exams, but strangely not really concerned about either of them. I have to revise, edit, and prepare a portfolio of my writing, as well as write my own curriculum for my independent study for next semester. I have to move out of my apartment, and watch everyone leave me, again. My roommates, friends, everyone non-Egyptian, basically, heads back to the states this month. I have to watch everyone leave, again. And I spend Christmas when everyone is gone. And I have to wait until March to see anyone from my life back home. Sometimes, I don't think my heart can take it.
Granted, December means Turkey. It means a break from school. It means I'm that much closer to going to London, and Paris. I'm that much closer to going home. I can't tell what is closer and what is farther away - my perception has gone all distorted.

It's scary. Everything seems so far away here. People, responsibility, the rest of the world. Everything just seems distant.

I've got to find a way to reconnect. Otherwise, this is going to be a long, long December.

Thankings.

2008-11-26T09:26:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and while there is no Macy's day parade or pumpkin pie or family of mine on this side of the world, I am still thankful.
Thankful that a year ago, I was closer than I thought to dying. That this year, I'm not. I'm thankful that I have a family that loves, supports, encourages, and pushes me to be a better person, even if they don't always understand the ways that I do it. Thankful for Cairo, for Chandigarh, for Atlanta, for around the world. For the people that are in all of those places. For the places in all of those people. I'm thankful that I know how lucky I am to be where I am, who I am, and the people that I am with.

This year has been so many things. Mostly difficult, frustrating, and challenging. But with that, I know who I am more than ever, and what I want to do.

So, thanks.

methods of Procrastination.

2008-11-24T07:41:00.003-04:00

1. Never underestimate the power of celebrity obsession driven news.
2. Pretend to be a nerd. Or a monkey with some darts.
3. Facebook Lurk.
4. Decide that now, more than any time in the past six months, is better than any to finally upload some photos.
5. Laugh out loud.
6. Pick other classes with less pressing deadlines to do work.
7. Read-a-book read-a-book read a GD book.
8. Plan Thanksgiving dinner.
9. Decide, instead of forcing yourself to sit and work, that you can do research at the beach instead with some sweet new friends.
10. Research future career options that may or may not be dependent on you getting a good grade on this work you continue to put off.
11. Sleep.
12. Update your blog. Then obsessively check if other people have updated theirs.
13. Wash, rinse repeat. Go back to number 1.

this modern love.

2008-11-15T10:58:00.001-04:00

Bloc Party, 'This Modern Love' - A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

Epic Success.

2008-11-11T13:36:00.002-04:00

Last night, I was notified by the fantastic Karen Pierce of the Georgia Tech International Plan that I had received $750 from the IP Stipend program to spend as my nomading deemed fit.

Right now, I'm sipping on Turkish coffee and purchasing my tickets to Turkey with that new found cash. I only thought it appropriate.

My Cairene nomading lives on.

"more luck than brains"

2008-11-09T11:03:00.003-04:00

The title is a reference to a discussion with Ana Menendez, a Cuban-American author that came and spoke to our class about her work, In Cuba I Was a German Shepherd, and about her career in general. She describes the events of her professional career as a combination of luck and laziness, and was extremely funny, inspiring, and encouraging. She's also a Fullbright fellow here at AUC, and a writer-in-residence.
This class is incredible for me in a way that a class hasn't been in quite sometime. It's not particularly challenging in a conventional sense, but it has made me think very critically about the direction of my life and making sure that it includes things that challenge, inspire, and motivate me to do something with my time. Insha'allah.

my little brother is a beast. of awesomeness.

2008-11-07T11:19:00.002-04:00

yes, he is dressed as Godzilla. I'm jealous of his awesomeness.
this makes me sooooo homesick.

yes, We can.

2008-11-05T09:07:00.006-04:00

"That's the true genius of America: that America can change. Our union can be perfected. What we've already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow."
- Barack Obama -

I'm more proud than I think I can put into words.

it's Election Day.

2008-11-04T05:14:00.002-04:00

Today, I am more homesick than ever. I know that if I had been home, I would have been horrified by the constant stream of ad campaigns and missing out on everything that I have been experiencing in Egypt. But the thought that tonight, the future of my country and my career is going to be decided. And I'll be waiting up at 4am on the other side of the world, studying for my Arabic midterm tomorrow. I am anxious and excited and elated and terrified all rolled together.

Four years ago, I was 17 - too young to vote in the election. I was also extremely uneducated and uninterested in politics. I still wanted to be a doctor at that point, and I didn't know the impact of the vote that was about to happen. I fell asleep while they were counting votes in Ohio and Florida, and in the morning, I was still indifferent to what had happened.

I'm not anymore. It's election day, so go vote.

sup-dates.

2008-11-02T06:36:00.002-04:00

1. ACTIVATE = major success. such AIESEC love. more later when I've got the time.
2. my whole body is sore, most probably because of the AIESEC dancing and complete lack of sleep. standard post-conference exhaustion.
3. the Russell Brand show is no more. there will be a hole in my heart.
4. I miss people at home - for serious. wa7eshtenikoo awy awy awy.
5. Working on a video for @GT. Yes, there will be @love.
6. It's November already. yeeeeeesh.

why yes, I AM activating Egypt.

2008-10-29T04:52:00.002-04:00

ACTIVATE 2008 starts tomorrow - but I'm heading off today for what will be my fifth conference facilitating. By far, this is the most organized, most well-thought-out, and most inclusive planning process that I have worked in so far in AIESEC. EVERY session is something new that we created in the past few days, and EVERY faci has been excited, involved, and full of ideas. It's a different working culture here, and I'm pretty sure that I'm in love with it. The sessions are going to be so exciting - they are situated around homegroups, and I've got the newbie track, so it will be even more fun. More dancing, more inspiration, and more talking about this insane organization that I love. This will be my first conference with a full-blown simulation (this one is about PBoXes) and actually discussing the AIESEC Way, History, and organizational structure without censoring or filtering it. I bet all of your Halloween candy that it will be a fantastical spectacle.

yellah AIESEC Egypt!

ooofdah, fail.

2008-10-27T06:24:00.001-04:00

way to go, Georgia.

Prepare for little to no sleeping...

2008-10-26T09:00:00.002-04:00

because ACTIVATE 2008 shenanigans start today.

Sunday: Planning 7:30-10:00
Monday: Planning 6:30-9:00
Tuesday: Planning 12:00 - 9:00
Wednesday: Planning 10:00 to whenever we finish.
Thursday through Saturday: A face-meltingly awesome conference.

get ready...

early presents.

2008-10-24T12:01:00.001-04:00

I'm going to London and Paris in January.

oh yes.

a much needed reactivation

2008-10-21T05:27:00.002-04:00

After a week filled with some existential crises, I've found out that I am on the Faci Team for ACTIVATE 2008 - Egypt's NLDS. I'm pretty excited about it, and the 150 newbies that will be in my track. I guess it's time to brush up on my dancin' skillz.

the Dream Invaders.

2008-10-18T05:47:00.003-04:00

I have been having odd people pop up in my dreams of late, and in various situations. I don't know why, or how even.
It's an odd feeling that people are flying halfway around the world into my subconscious, although because of who they are, I guess I shouldn't be that surprised.

Now if I could just get them to visit in real life.

Current Obsessions.

2008-10-14T05:33:00.003-04:00

1. that new Katy Perry song.
2. Attempting to upload my pictures on the Facebook and Flikr. (failing, miserably)
3. These little gems.
4. Figuring out what happens when I get home in 7 months (stressycows.)
5. Love Lockdown and wishing I were as cool as Kanye West.
6. missing people, like tons.
7. the Existential Crisis of my Cairene life.
8. Finding a way to write and read more.
9. the Elections.
10. figuring out where to travel for Eid al-Adha, Thanksgiving, and Winter Break.
11. Moneys, and how horrible they make my life.
12. Convincing people to come and visit me.
13. Figuring out how I can meet Russell Brand.

quand je rêve en français, est ce de ce que je rêve.

2008-10-08T03:39:00.006-04:00

My current dream: to live here and survive on nothing but coffee and books and good wine.

and another generation begins...

2008-10-07T03:47:00.002-04:00

Congratulations to Amira, the new LCP of AIESEC GT!!

It's weird to think it's been so long since the last election, and even more so since I started my EB term. What a weird, changed world I've got around me now.

Good luck to the next round.

!عيد موبارك

2008-09-29T06:51:00.003-04:00

!ساسافير الى مرسى علم

odd relief.

2008-09-28T02:55:00.002-04:00

a note on this fear: I completed not only my first story, but also was asked to be featured in the class critiqued by the professor, and quite literally made someone cry from it (though that was highly mortifying and unintentional). that's a response I never expected. I also never expected to love the class so much - it is the only one that I consistently look forward to every week, and I feel both responsible and capable in it - like I know what I am doing. Writing and reading has become this one fixed point in the kind of cyclonic clusterfuck that has become my life in the past week or so. Like it's the only point in my day that I can truly relax between the insanity of the city, the frustration of the school, and the drama of the apartment. Maybe it is something I should think about seriously continuing?

oh MohMoh...

2008-09-25T05:37:00.002-04:00

Advice from dear Mohammed Saeed, who treated me to dinner the other night, on why I should not get an Egyptian beau, "It will just be bad sex and ugly babies, Maddie dear. Thelma and Louise deserve better."

That kid never fails to make me smile.

updates from Ma-Crazy.

2008-09-23T04:58:00.004-04:00

there is a Drama-Llama invading the apartment.

Air-Conditioning

2008-09-17T04:05:00.002-04:00

I think AUC has devised an air-conditioning system that will, if continued at its current frigidity, will not only cause a shift in weather patterns, but will eventually make my fingertips and toes fall off. It has already given me a severe cold. Imagine, walking in 100 degree desert heat into a building that might be at 55 degrees, in and out all day long. YEEEEEESH.

Another problem that is plaguing my morning - I can't tell if I am nauseous or starving. I guess it doesn't really matter - only 13 days until Eid!

Hibbity-jibbities.

2008-09-15T07:34:00.002-04:00

In the middle of writing my first piece for my creative writing class (amidst the plethora of readings for Human Rights Law and Contemporary Political Islam and my new AIESEC work), and I realized how terrified I am of actually writing work to be reviewed by people who are serious as they describe themselves as authors and poets who live on their art and breathe and talk and sleep and eat words.
I have written, but not ever for anyone else - unless you count the random blabbery of this blog or the assignments from sophomore year at Central. This is going to be quite a step. We'll see how it goes.

A note on Ramadan: Still going strong. I think, more than anything, I suffer from lack of sleep instead of lack of food. The boys just sleep until Iftar, which is highly impossible given I have a life to keep up with that does not function nocturnally. But with only a little over two weeks left, I think that I can ride it out - I just need to figure out what to do for Eid el-Fitr. I have a week at the beginning of October, and I could spend it either in Marsa'allam with AIESECers and roommates, in Spain with my beloved future roommate, or somewhere else yet to be decided. Insha'allah, kids, I will be doing something exciting.

random Updates on my life, a list.

2008-09-11T05:52:00.003-04:00

1. classes started. chaos ensued. unsure of current direction of life.

2. chose somewhat odd classes this year. International human rights law, comparative politics, Arabic, Contemporary Political Islam, and creative writing. unsure of current direction of life.

3. odd feeling of emptiness, probably just hunger. unsure of current direction of life.

4. waiting for something, but not sure what, to start. unsure of current direction of life.

it's my birthday.

2008-09-08T12:43:00.000-04:00

i did a little dance.

why Ramadan?

2008-09-06T12:27:00.002-04:00

My first week of Ramadan fasting is drawing to a close, and it has been difficult to last throughout the day, but not impossible. I'm kind of strangely proud of the willpower that I have to make it so long. A lot of people asked me why I fast, and it is something that I have been thinking about quite a bit while I while away the hours between suhoor and iftar. Clearly, Ramadan fasting is not just about not eating or drinking - it is about re-establishing your connection with your family, your community, and your faith. For me it is also about connecting with Egyptian and Islamic culture, learning more about Islam, and an experiencing something that defines a whole section of the world. It is the fifth day of fasting, and Eid el-Fitr begins in 24 days. I plan to keep regular updates about fasting, Ramadan, and everything here - let me know if you have any questions.

Ramadan and a New Blog.

2008-09-03T14:44:00.003-04:00

Day three of Ramadan was full of sleeping. I will include more, I think, when I have time to think about what doing this means to me, and what it is like to be in Egypt at a time like this. It is pretty amazing, that's for sure though.

The ladies of my apartment have started a blog of our own, named aptly for the craziness of the city that we live in. We promise to update the world about the life, the drama, and everything that goes along with through it. Check it out.

the Second First Night.

2008-09-02T11:45:00.002-04:00

Egypt has not changed without me here. It has welcomed me back with open arms again, ready to carve out a new year. School starts on Sunday, and the apartment is beautiful and filled with incredible people.

I arrived on the first day of Ramadan, which is going more easily than I thought it would be (except for a bit of dry mouth), and had an incredible night of shisha, felucca, suhoor in the streets, and meeting incredible new people and hanging out with everyone that has been absent in my life since July. It has been incredible, and I remember falling in love with Egypt in June - it's like falling all over again.

ohebak.

Aasefer bil'Qahara.

2008-08-31T08:48:00.003-04:00

maa'salema.

See you on the other side of the world. 9 Months of Cairene living begins. I'm ready for the next great adventure.

In the past month

2008-08-28T01:01:00.003-04:00

this is what has happened to my life.

1. I got a new sister.

2. I spent a significant amount of money.

3. I have accomplished no great feats.

4. I realized how homesick I am for Georgia Tech.

5. I fell in love with Russell Brand.

6. I have significantly freaked out more than usual.

7. I have not yet packed, or gotten any closer to packing.

8. I have read no less than seven books.

I leave Sunday for Cairo. Let's hope I don't break down before then.

A messy rebirth.

2008-08-07T22:38:00.002-04:00

I don't even feel like I need to write about it, but I can't wrap my head around it yet. It's a chance for us who have been calling for something better to be that change in the organization that has so irrevocably changed us. Where do we stand, reborn? How do we grow again? Who will be the leaders, the teachers, the guiders? Can I count myself among them when I will be so far away? Will I be the new AIESEC US? Do I have the strength to be greater than those whose shoulders I have built upon? To be stronger? To be more humble in the face of the members that give me power? Because we are nothing without our smallest member, our newest face to the AIESEC family. I just know that my home, my family, is back on the map, and I couldn't be more proud of the work that they have done in the past two years I have known them.

home again, abroad again.

2008-07-31T20:45:00.001-04:00

I miss Cairo already. I miss my gaggle. I miss my boys and their herd of dancing camels. I miss AIESEC in Egypt. I miss the feeling like I know what I am doing.

home, but not.

masalema masr.

2008-07-27T19:52:00.000-04:00

see you in September, insha'Allah.

on mint tea and goodbyes.

2008-07-24T04:36:00.002-04:00

There is a crumbly rim of sugar on the edge of my tea cup, still steaming although its been sitting undisturbed for the past several minutes. Absentmindedly, I am stirring the escaped mint leaf around as I think about everything that is poured into that cup of tea, or poured into my life over the past two months.

I have been sitting here, in this café, drinking tea and avoiding the reality of saying goodbye to everyone who has left their thumbprint on my life here in Cairo - and then understanding that most of them will not be here when I get back. I am torn between that crushing reality and the happiness of me stepping out into Hartsfield-Jackson on Monday night and seeing so many people that I love that have been absent from my life for the past two months, and will be absent again after the first of September. What weighs more - the pending heartache over my friends that are leaving here, or the existing one for everyone in my non-Egyptian life?

I find myself avoiding the responsibilities of my life at the moment in my cup of tea, including answering that question. Although I know it isn't true, I keep stirring pretending that I can drown all of those thoughts like a mint leaf, and they would dissolve like sugar.

you say you want a Revolution, well you know...

2008-07-23T02:56:00.003-04:00

I got out of my black and white taxi this morning in the middle of Midan Tahrir and saw almost no one. It was like seeing it underwater or full devoid of buildings, it was so unsettling. Tahrir, at any point of any day, is usually full of people hustling and moving as one to their collective goals, even if it is only to sit and watch the chaotic symphony travel around the square. Every day, that is, except today. happy revolution day.

speaking of revolutions, I will be home in 5 days.

epic failure.

2008-07-06T01:41:00.003-04:00

I am an example in failure of Cairene blogging. And there is so much to write about, I apologize. There is so much here to share with you, I don't know where to begin. This summer, already, has been a revolution in perspective and in identity for me.

And on the note of exciting revolutions, I am so proud of the members of AIESEC in the United States for starting their own. It's time to start my part over here, Incha'Allah.

happy birthday, america.

2008-07-03T18:01:00.001-04:00

the salt sea air

2008-06-14T14:53:00.005-04:00

I never realized how much I missed the wind. Something so simple, but in Cairo, it is a luxury. And in Alexandria, there was a beautiful abundance that smelled like the sea.It is so interesting to see a city that is such a compilation of cultures and histories. The ruins there are made up of layers of former civilizations, from the Upper Kingdom of Ancient Egypt, to the Greek-Egyptian hybrid in the time of Alexander the Great, the Ptolemaic dynasty, the Roman invasion of Julius Cesar, the Mamluk dynasty, and the violent birth of Mohamed Ali's modern Egypt, and the last days of the Egyptian kingdom.

The library is beautiful, and meant to symbolize the rising sun out of the Mediterranean Sea, poring light and knowledge from the center of the ancient world.The Fortress of Qaitbay, built from the stones of the Lighthouse of Alexandria, one of the seven wonders of the ancient world, houses the memory of the massacre that ended the Mamluk dynasty and held off the impending Ottoman oppression, creating Modern Egypt and the beginning of kings.
Now the city is the beacon of Egyptian relaxation, with the Mediterranean bringing in that beautiful wind over beaches and buildings, mixing the smell of sea salt and shisha.

the Pyramids.

2008-06-07T19:23:00.004-04:00

note to self: cross that off my life To-Do list.

a consistent reminder of luck.

2008-06-06T05:05:00.003-04:00

Thanks to James and some of his Silverkey cohorts, some girls and I ventured out to el Mojito, the rooftop bar of the Nile Hilton. We danced until it closed at 4am. On the cab ride home, we listened to the salah from the minarets in Gezira and Garden City.

Between the beauty of that and the incredulity that I was 20 floors above the city's streets, watching the Nile flow through Cairo, and dancing with amazing new friends - I continue to ask myself, how did I get so lucky?

Spreading the Dream in two days or less...

2008-06-05T08:04:00.002-04:00

I have sold AIESEC to at least 10 wonderful women solely based on my ability to smoke hookah and rattle off an elevator speech like it was a description of the weather.

totally Boss.

first Egyptian days...

2008-06-04T18:40:00.004-04:00

three days in Cairo. my findings:

1) awesome ladies. from AIESEC and from AUC/ALI. fantabulous.
2) haven't met very men of the AUC boys yet (segregated dorms and all that), but they look like promising cohorts.
3) Stella, the local brew, is not too shabby (much better than India's Kingfisher, for sure).
4) I apparently am a hookah "champ". I blame AIESEC and the gentlemen of the modern American hookah.
5) I love AIESEC. and all that comes with it. Especially the people.
6) Tamiyah = delicious. whoa jeez.
7) An incredible whirling dervish performance can simultaneously make you dizzy and lifted. more on that later.
8) I miss everyone at home. Just so you know.
9) I am so ready for school to start. Cairene life requires Arabic, and I have never wanted it more.
10) Internets work best after 1am. Anytime else it is slow as anything.
11) Cairo = breathtaking. Yellah.

I'm in Cairo...

2008-06-02T14:13:00.002-04:00

...and I am alive. More than that.

I am living, living the Dream.

Four.

2008-05-28T09:56:00.002-04:00

I have four days left in the States. I am indescribably terrified and excited and want to stay and leave at the same time.
I continue to procrastinate despite my earlier declaration against it, but I think I am subconsciously playing out this terrible anxiety in apathetic actions - if I do nothing, I feel nothing.
Clearly - from my odd dreams and minute freakouts - this is not working.
Enough is enough. Time to pack up my life.

the cardancers.

2008-05-20T14:42:00.003-04:00

I feel a certain solidarity when I see the same strange behaviors I have in others. That, perhaps, I am not as strange and unusual as I think I am. That others enjoy the same oddities in their lives. Oddities like cardancing.

And it always pops up when I least expect it. Like in a pickup truck driving down GA400 with a large man rockin' out behind the wheel. I just wonder what he was listening to.

Congratulations Jimmy and Molly!

2008-05-16T13:57:00.002-04:00

Hooray!!

On my honor I will try.

2008-05-01T23:26:00.001-04:00

I vow to not put off my work until the last minute from now on.
Procrastination is not my friend.

oh, brother.

2008-04-28T00:44:00.003-04:00

Jimmy comes home today. I am so excited, I haven't seen him since October, maybe November. And him coming home makes me think about what it will be like a year from now, when I come home after being gone for so long. Emily and I have been talking about it this past weekend, about not only the prospective of leaving, but of coming home changed and grown over the past year. But that is a long way off. It is time to focus on what is going on today.

honestly? I thought I was dreaming.

2008-04-25T08:32:00.002-04:00

Have you ever opened an email, maybe in class, maybe not expecting anything, but then have been so blindsided by excitement you start crying? Like, struggling for breath, shaking, out of control, crying excitement?

yeah, that just happened.

I've been officially accepted not only to the Arabic Language Institute for the summer, but to the American University in Cairo for the next academic year.

yellah Masr.

this is how Dead Week makes me feel.

2008-04-20T16:21:00.003-04:00

dirty Ginger.

2008-04-14T09:44:00.003-04:00

Someone called me a dirty ginger when I was walking across campus this morning (though I think it may be an accident of mistaking me for someone else). As if that were not absurd enough, when I told my friend, he sent me this.

Redheads are said to be children of the moon, thwarted by the sun and addicted to sex and sugar. Redheads with green eyes are said to be favorite cohorts of the devil, and were often targets of witch hunts. Redheaded women are associated with seduction and the temptation of pure men, and evils such as Jezebel, the women of the island Lesbos, and Elizabeth Bathory are depicted as women with uncontrollable tempers and red hair.

No wonder that kid yelled at me.

I'm easy like Sunday morning.

2008-04-13T11:17:00.002-04:00

After a day of accomplishing nothing save a walk around Piedmont Park, a night of drunk people and the Ying Yang Twins, and tossing and turning all night, I woke up at 7:15 this morning. I then proceeded to eat breakfast, clean my room, clean my bathroom, go to the store to get a birthday present for a friend as well as my groceries for the week. After that, I cleaned out our refrigerator, fixed my calendar on my computer, planned my week, gave myself a pedicure and manicure, and then talked to my brother (via iChat in Paris).

It's been a fairly productive morning. I just hope that it will continue to be so when I start on the massive amount homework I have to do this week.

the Rack.

2008-04-05T23:34:00.002-04:00

I am being pulled in different directions, perhaps by my lack of will to stand against it. Or perhaps that I subconsciously enjoy the torture. And it is torture. I am so unsure of myself, so uncertain about who I am and what I want. And yet I am not - I know what I am doing, I know where I am going, and I know that in two months I will be on the other side of the world.
That in itself is terrifying. Not the fact that I will be alone in another world for an entire year, diving headfirst into a culture and a language that I barely understand but absolutely am infatuated with. No, the terrifying aspect is what I leave behind. That my leaving will irrevocably change the people and the places I will associate with home. That the people I love will be virtually cut out of my life by distance and time, despite any attempts to hold them to me. To remind them how much I love and need them. I fear that their lives will have gone on without me, although I would expect them to. I want them to. I never want someone to stop their life for me, I could never ask someone to stop living or dreaming or being who they are or are meant to be. I may want them to, but it is something I could not ask. Because I would never allow someone to ask it of me.
But, yes, there are questions that I do want to ask. More than anything. Questions that tear at my heart and burn in my cheeks when I look at some people, but I don't know if my stupid tongue can even form the words. I want to scream and cry and whisper these questions all at once, and every time I allow a quiet moment of possibility to pass, I die. And I think my body and my face betray that, and every death is becoming more and more apparent to anyone who looks at me. These questions crave answers, but I have never been more scared of what those answers are. I am becoming more pathetic everyday. I am developing panic attacks over nothing at all, apparently I create tension, and I've found myself dropping everything if someone asks me to.
School has been an exercise in futility, the work that I do lacks direction and focus, I am unmotivated and exhausted and voiceless and running out of money. In my desire to create a relationship with someone, I have strained nearly every other relationship in my life. I feel guilty all the time, like the secrets that I carry make me a selfish, ugly person. I feel used, but do not stop allowing people to use me. I realized in the past week that I lack the capacity to say no.
And because of that I feel a hollow insincerity every time I say yes.
I can’t seem to describe myself anymore, save empty. I feel like an echo, transparent and trapped in a vicious cycle of increasingly unintelligible noise. I no longer feel solid, or whole. There are parts of me missing, although I cannot tell which or where they belong.
I have begun to understand that people crave, more than anything, a definition of their identity. They search for that definition all of their lives, through friends, communities, family. And sometimes through sharing thoughts, stealing ideas, having sex, fighting over something (or nothing), talking, writing, screaming, discovering, giving – all can be components of an identity. I am searching for my own definition, but I can’t move beyond this emptiness, this identity as a shell of a person with nothing inside but secrets clawing their way out. I feel if you held me to your ear, you would hear the ocean, not a heartbeat.

How long can a person survive without an identity? How long can someone stand being pulled in every direction, but not find their own?

There are a million things I need to be doing, but instead I will go to sleep. And I will dream of something that when I wake up, I won't remember. But maybe, I will. Either way, I'll be waking up.

Personality Flaws

2008-03-26T20:11:00.002-04:00

number 812: Always believing the worst things people say about you, but doubting the good.

yellah Masr.

2008-03-21T22:07:00.006-04:00

I'm halfway through my application to AUC's full year program. It's terrifying me.
I hate applications, official looking forms, and the fact that I am putting my life in the system's hands. Eggs in the proverbial basket, so they say. I just hope that there is a basket there when I keep chucking eggs into it because I have no idea what is going to catch them if Egypt falls through.

Meanwhile, I feel like I am waiting for my life to start - and at the same time stuck in a limbo that refuses to let me do anything about it. A limbo of my own making, mind you. It's sad that the time when I really need the motivation and drive that a conference creates, I couldn't get myself to one. I lack everything that I need to move on - drive, determination, motivation. I don't know where I lost it, and I don't know where I can reclaim it, either.
There is this invisible barrier between me and everything I want right now, and I don't think I have what it takes to break it.

an Unaccomplished lady.

2008-03-20T17:32:00.002-04:00

Spring break has been a dark void in which all of my time seems to disappear into nothingness and without any evidence of it passing. I have accomplished nothing in the past few days. And I have three more to finish everything.

I'm failing. again.

five years.

2008-03-19T11:38:00.005-04:00

The War in Iraq has reached its five year anniversary. One year for everyone I know that has died there. This war - against terror, against tyranny, for democracy, for peace - I have always been against. I hate that I, as an American, am associated immediately with the missteps, the decisions to allow people I know to continue dying. And some have said that they would support one hundred years fighting. That is terrifying to me. When will it end?

Tibet really is on fire.

2008-03-16T10:47:00.000-04:00

perfect moment numbers 70 & 71

2008-03-13T12:29:00.003-04:00

70. After a night of Saturday standard debauchery, I woke up and watched the snow swirl down 8th street. And it was the type of sweeping snow that can't escape for the buildings, so it swirls in small cyclones mixing snow with leaves and newspapers and flower petals from the street.

71. Rolling down my windows, listening to the piano mix with saxophone and trumpet on the radio, and driving with my hand catching the breeze and the sunshine. I drove aimlessly around Atlanta and felt like home. I wanted to go sit under the magnolia blossoms in Piedmont Park and daydream or sleep or write or share my thoughts with the world.

these two perfect days were less than a week apart. from snow to sunshine in four days flat.

I think I smell a Rat.

2008-03-12T23:31:00.002-04:00

I wish I could be that bad ass. Banksy lights up my life.

Tibet's on fire.

2008-03-12T00:21:00.003-04:00

Pictures have an incredible power. This one struck me, much like my visit to Dharamsala did this summer. It is so violent and emotional and it makes me want to move or scream or travel to the other side of the world.

The world is swirling with talk of homelands and people, displacement and responsibility. Discussions around China, the Olympics, and Tibet in the past few days - spurring from anything like Bjork's outburst in Shanghai to Steven Spielberg's abandonment of the Olympic games - continuously remind me of my feeling of...I don't know how to put it...solidarity with the Tibetan people. To be fair, there is still so much I do not know about China, about Tibet, or about their history. And it is not just in the far east that I have found or felt this. The recent news of Israel building new settlements in Gaza also creates a similar feeling within me, simultaneously frustrating and baffling me. Kazakhstan recently mandated a "reteaching" of Kazakh culture and language, a cultural re-education that some have called dangerous. All of Africa is on fire, in a metaphorical term, and constantly people do not know homes, families are being separated or killed, and so many, so many have died. There are still people living in poverty in my own city left over from Katrina, two and a half years ago. The recent procurement of an independent Kosovo has also created a heated debate about the future of the former Yugoslavia.

I tried to explain this to someone - this feeling of confusion and empathy and anger - they were similarly confused, but not as to why people, nations, leaders allow this to happen - but to why I cared. There are people not only pushed from their homes, but their homelands. Cultures are being forgotten, dissolved, I said.
They countered - so what? I have my own problems to deal with. Like whether or not I get money for the alcohol I will be consuming over spring break.
Don't you want to learn about everything that happens beyond your own personal bubble? Or worry about the impact it will make on the world? I ask.
No. They said. And that's fine by me.

I crave to know more, to do more. Always, I want more. I have, since I was little, been trying to learn all I can. I constantly attempt to educate myself - though not always in the way Georgia Tech insists. I want to create an impact, to create a legacy that will change lives and conceptions and nations. I want to be old and look at my life and think that it had been greater than the sum of its parts. This person, in previous conversation, had said that they wanted to live as they did now, with children and grandchildren and never have to leave the country. But how can you not be curious about what happens to everyone else?

Curiosity kills cats, they say.

Well, apathy and megalomania kills everything else.

March.

2008-03-10T10:44:00.003-04:00

March, the third month of the year, is named for Mars, the Roman god of war.

And war, in its many subtle and vicious forms, is a good way to describe the past few days of my life. And unfortunately, I think I'm on the losing side. I'm already battered and bloody, metaphorically speaking, so we'll see if I can make it to April without giving in. I already feel like the living dead, and it's starting to show, too. (my voice is attempting to come back after disappearing less than comically this weekend.)

I can't believe how fast this year is going, and I don't know if I can handle the speed. I mean, Friday starts spring break. Which gives me about two months before I leave for the other side of the world (about a year exactly from when I left for India). It's terrifying me because I haven't heard an official response from the school just yet - and I have kind of thrown all of my so called eggs in that basket. 2008 is a big year, and I feel like I am still waiting for everything to start.

it's the FINAL COUNTDOWN

2008-02-29T12:42:00.001-04:00

RoKS is here.

Bring it on.

talk about a recognition structure.

2008-02-28T06:35:00.002-04:00

I should start a love affair with AIESEC Madison. This is reason number 73. Talk about recognition structure and enjoying participation. Zaps to the badgers from the north.

PS. I have a test in less than three hours. Study? No. AIESEC work? yes. nomadlife-ing? abso-fucking-lutely.